“These awards are a bit more Rock ‘n Roll” says Travis’s Fran Healy
stood on the red carpet of this years Q awards. Amazing isn’t it? I had no Idea
he was still alive either. For those of you who remember Travis (anyone?), then
you will recall that they were a decidedly un-rock ‘n roll affair. They
produced the kind of Music your mum would probably like if she finds Enya to be
a bit edgy and apparently the kind of music that readers of Q magazine consider
to be cutting edge. This year’s awards did nothing to disassociate the publication
from its reputation for supporting generic, middle of the road windy indie.
Whereas last year the awards were predictable, with a string of “safe bets”
coveting the bounty, this year was frankly an insult to the intelligence of
genuine music fans. Coldplay won the award for “best band in the world today”
beating out Muse, Oasis, Metallica and The Kings Of Leon. The fact that Oasis;
a glorified pub band who caught a break and Metallica (who’s only recent
memorable contribution to music was throwing their rattle out of the pram and
getting Napster shut down), managed to get nominated for this category is in
itself a testament to how misguided Q magazine are. When receiving the award
from Catatonia’s Cerys Mathews (Wait. Travis, Catatonia, is it 1998 again?)
front-man Chris Martin claimed that they could only accept the accolade because
Radiohead and U2 were on holiday. This leads me to believe that the only three
bands Martin has ever heard are U2, Radiohead and Coldplay and the same can
probably said of the magazines readership, with the notable exception of Keane
who won best single of the year. I know what you’re thinking, Keane…best single
of the year? Truth be told it probably wasn’t the best single that week but if
you have an uncontrollable compulsion to listen to generic, watered-down, faux-sentimental
whining, accompanied by some dreary excuse for an indie soundtrack then it is
quite possible that you may consider Keane decent outfit. Granted they will
never be as Rock ‘n roll as Travis, remember that food fight they had in one of
their videos? Gone are the days of trashing hotel rooms and driving cars into
swimming pools, these guys threw mashed potato at each other, the crazy
bastards. The competition in this category wasn’t exactly ground breaking
either, other nominees featured Coldplay (who can’t be allowed to win
everything), The Ting Tings (Who shouldn’t be allowed to win anything) Duffy
and Katy Perry. To add yet more obscurity to the ceremony a ‘Classic Song Award’
was given to none other than ‘Meat Loaf’, for his ’93 hit ‘Bat out of Hell’ (or
maybe the ‘79 version). I can only assume Ant and Dec’s ‘Ready to Rumble’ was
too obvious a choice.
Somehow the Q awards have once again managed to ignore the real goings
on in the music scene. Instead of focusing on some of the talented and original
bands that have been the focal point of ’08 (Fleet Foxes, Foals, Bon Iver, MGMT)
they have covered their eyes and ears in fear and pretended it was still 1999.
So a hearty congratulations to Q, maybe if we can get the same people involved
in the British Book Awards then we can judge the whole thing on literature
available only in supermarkets and airports. Save us having to read a lot
wouldn’t it.
Much like Rick Moranis in 'Honey I Shrunk the Kids' or Christopher Llyod in the 'Back to the Future' trilogy; real life has its own share of slightly unhinged yet borderline genius inventors. Once in a blue moon or so, one of these men will prove his worth and invent something irrefutably important to today's society, like Thomas Edison with the phonograph, or Alexander Graham Bell with text messaging. Most inventors however, are more likely to spend time burning their eyebrows and alienating their neighbours than achieving anything of genuine worth. It is for these people, these wannabe DaVincis, these chemistry set Carvers and bumbling Babbages, that this piece is dedicated. For all of you whose lightening-strike epiphany was never realised, here is your moment to shine. Here, is our list of the most patently stupid inventions ever.
1. Erm....A Unicorn
Patented in the United States (where else), this is by far the most obscure example on the list. The invention itself is described as a "method of growing unicorns in a manner that enhances the overall development of the animal". Sound fucked up? You haven't heard the half of it! The man/myth/legend behind this idea is a Dr W. Franklin Dove, a biologist at the University of Maine and a passionate advocate of messing around with nature and giving God's will the middle finger. Without going into intensely graphic detail, the basis of Dove's idea involved operating on a week old goat (not to be confused with a weak, old goat) in order to manipulate its two horn buds into one. This brings us to ask several questions; firstly, at which point did animal mutilation become an invention? And secondly, why the hell would you want a uni-goat anyway? Apparently in response to the latter question, Dove thought the procedure would increase the animal's intelligence and that a one horned goat would make a rather useful guard animal. He also, secretly hoped that the animal would develop wings and fly him away to a land where pixies play in fields of clover and little boys never grow old...possibly. The patent for this invention expired a while back, so we can now all feel free to try and turn any animal we like into a unicorn. What makes this genuinely shocking is that it actually works (see photo), but that doesn't make it right! I couldn't find out what became of Dr Dove. Rumour has it amongst the scientific community that the good doctor was found dead one morning in his bedchamber, his penis had been stitched to his head in an obscure tribute to his work and a mysterious hooded figure accompanied by a one horned goat were seen fleeing the crime scene.
Never, EVER assume that anyone affiliated with Walt Disney is of sound mind. Apparently after the success of 1989's 'The Little Mermaid' and various other 'talking animal' films, the big wigs at the Walt Disney Company (who had evidently celebrated the films success by smoking crack and dropping acid until their eyes bled and their lobster dinner started singing to them) decided that communicating with sea life was a worthwhile endeavour. This led to a meeting of minds from some of the finest marine scientists in California and Florida, who had previously been spending their time board shaping and trying to figure out a way to purify the smoke from their homemade bottle bongs (seriously think 'Point Break' with scientists instead of cops). What they came up with was described as a communication device that "enables marine mammals, such as dolphins, to communicate with humans and with each other". Now, I can hear you all saying "Can't dolphins already communicate with each other? Isn't that why they make those high pitched squeaking sounds?" Well try telling that to Disney, they'll laugh in your face and continue to draw a duck in a towel; because that's just the way they roll. The outcome of this brainstorming was for all intents and purposes a giant underwater keyboard. The theory behind this is as follows; 'scientists' can play notes to the dolphins, who can then swim through lasers to activate notes of their own which are relayed back to them....or something like that, I don't really know, I got bored reading about it. In theory this is as sound as a pound, the only real problems started to occur when the communications began. Imagine, if you will; three scientists sat around a computer sending a melody out through their underwater keyboard. Eventually, after weeks, maybe months of waiting, their message is returned. There is a communal gasp and an eerie silence in the lab, this was the big moment; "What did it say?" asks one scientist barely able to hide his excitement. "It said.....F#", "F# ?", "Yes, or a Gb, depends which way you look at it". There's another pause as the scientists try to comprehend what this could mean; "oh....fuck this, let's go and unfreeze Walt's head again". The scientists, I assume, quickly became bored and realising their endeavour was pointless attempted to teach chimpanzees the opening riff from 'Smoke on the Water'.
Remember the day's when smoking was cool? The days before we knew of the irreparable damage that it does to your body. tThe days when cigarettes were associated with the likes of James Dean and Audrey Hepburn, not emphysema and lung cancer. Well, as if doctors everywhere haven't already done enough to convince us that smoking is neither big nor clever, some genius decided to invent something that would squeeze the vary last gasps of cool from our favorite bad habbit. May I present to you, 'The Smoker's Hat'.
'The Smoker's Hat' is a piece of headgear invented in order to allow people to smoke with out affecting those around them. "Well wait a minute", I pretend to hear you say, "this may actually be a good idea. If this thing exists then why was the smoking ban introduced at all? Surely we could all just wear smoker's hats and sit in the comfort of the local pub?" This would be true, if the smoker's hat didn't look something like this (see picture), and everyone in the world would rather stand out in the cold than be the dick who paid for one of these. It's an embarrassment. Even if it looked cool, it wouldn't be, because of the simple fact that all smoking fashion accessories fail to catch on. Look at the 'Iron Lung'; once tipped to be the next big thing, like the Pokemon or Kabala, it turned out to be little more than a cumbersome tank that assists breathing. It lacks style and integrity, as does the hat. It's also impractical, am I really supposed to take the time to put this on after a heated spell of sexual sparring for the all important post-coital ciggy? If this is the case then i suggest they re-name it the 'Romance Vacum'. There is a positive element to the 'Smoker's Hat' however; it filters all your smoky air and releases it instead as a scented gust of smoke free guff. Basically it is a huge fucking exhaust, but with this is mind you can quite happily smoke, weed, crack, smack or crystal meth without anyone thinking twice about it. They'll just assume you're some bloke with a funny hat and no friends, who continually squirts perfume out of his noggin. Similar inventions we found include the 'Quit Smoking Ashtray", which apparently reminds you that's smoking is bad every time you go to stub out your ciggy. Because obviously, we need a reminder. This is the equivalent of a gun that screams "bullets hurt" every time you fire it, or a condom that slyly whispers "It'll feel better without me....but you could catch V.D" just before sex. We conclude that anyone who buys this ashtray is a sadist, anyone who buys the smokers hat is an idiot and anyone who is still reading this should probably have nipped out for a fag instead.
*The picture of the smoking hat is an artists impression and is not representative of the original design.
Girls like gifts. This is a proven fact and it stems from the truth that people, in their very nature, are shallow and materialistic. It is important therefore to constantly buy your significant other presents. It helps to distract from the fact that you're rubbish in bed, poorly motivated, slightly overweight, worse looking than her and all-in-all, inferior in every way. This in itself isn't a problem; buying things is easy. However, choosing what to buy is where most of us mortal men struggle. A friend of mine once bought his girlfriend an ornamental porcelain frog for a birthday and quickly learned that the old adage; it's the thought that counts, was in fact a huge fucking lie (although one could argue that a porcelain amphibian wasn't incredibly thoughtful). If only he had known then that a site such as treather.com existed. It rids us of all the responsibility of having to think of original ideas ourselves. What could be better? Well, as I discovered, even the 'experts' occassionally come up with some spectacularly dumb ideas:
Pole-Dancing Lessons
The people at 'Treather.com' know how to treat a lady. That's right, like a stripper. This is basically one of those gifts that people buy for themselves, whilst all the time pretending its for someone else. How any man has the balls to try and convince his significant other that they've always wanted to try pole-dancing is beyond me, but I assume it comes just before the conversation about how, "Charging strangers for handjobs would really help with the bills". This would lead to an enormous argument, followed by some great 'make up' sex, after which the same guy would leave some money on the dresser and go tell his mates all the gory details. Classy! Still, if you can get away with it.
A better idea would be: A porcelain frog. Honestly, this may be the only time that this is ever true.
If you can get away with it: Then you will be a hero to all of your friends. Not only this, but for her next birthday you can hire a stripper and convince her to have a three-way, because it's just what she always wanted!
2. The 'I Love You Toaster'
This gift is insulting on a number of levels. Firstly, it's a toaster. Toasters are not romantic, neither are vacuum cleaners, irons, or washing machines. Remember this, it may one day save your life. Secondly, knowing most men, it will not be you who's getting up early to make the breakfast. This means that every morning, when your girlfriend/wife slams a plate of toast down on the breakfast table, despite the fact that her hatred for you is beyond human comprehension, you will look down at your plate and see the words "I love you". This will enable you to carry on happily with your day, oblivious to the fact your bed mate wants you dead.
A better idea would be: A cookbook. For some reason cookbooks still count as a thoughtful gift and this way you still get someone to cook for you, without seeming like a jackass (well less of a jackass). Also if the words "I love you" are scrawled across your plate in balsamic reduction, you know it's true!
If you can get away with it: Then although unaware of it, you are living in a loveless relationship. Your partner has given up hope and doesn't expect anything more from you than a love-token toaster. WARNING: She may, someday soon, ask you to fix it with a knife while its still plugged in!
3. Paris Massager (aka vibrating duck)
You're really shooting yourself in the foot with this one! Although it is a gift she will genuinely enjoy, you will be kicking yourself when you realise that the sex has dried up and your girlfriend is running baths three times a day to spend time with her vibrating duck. On the positive side, it will give you a lot of 'you' time, you know, for watching football and surfing the internet for porn. However the duck has a distinct advantage over you; it is guaranteed to satisfy her in a way you can't and it won't ask for a blow job in return. Also she won't have to make the duck that fucking 'I love you' toast in the morning. Consider yourself ousted!
A better idea would be: Book a night in a flashy hotel, scatter the bed with rose petals and pray to god that your technique is up to scratch. Trust us, it's only a matter of time until she finds out about the duck, so try and prove your worth before she does.
If you get away with it: Pack your bags, you're an idiot and might as well have intorduced her to your better looking, better endowned best friend.
4. The I.O.U Token
What is this exactly? It's the gift that isn't a gift, and is proud of it! Instead of actually buying your partner a present, cooking her dinner or treating her to a romantic night out, why not just give her a token that says you'll do it some other time. Possibly when 'Movies for Men' isn't doing a Segal week. It may sound like a really shit gift but as the website says the I.O.U token is "presented in a little red organza pouch". So its actually a really shit gift in a little red organza pouch...whatever the fuck that is.
A better idea would be: ANYTHING! Litterally, buying anything would be better than not buying something. These are the basics people, come on now!
If you can get away with it: If this genuinely works then I suggest trying similar tokens with your bank manager, news agent, car insurance, and local supermarket. In fact anyone whom you genuinely owe something. Who know's how far these things will get you.
all gifts available at www.treather.com, plus some that aren't shit.
A long time ago, so we are told; video killed the radio star. Then, in a lusty x-rated rage, video did the dirty with the radio star's rigoured corpse and the music video was born. This merging of media was tantamount to incest in the industry and as with all cases of incest, the results occasionally produced some weird-as-fuck-webbed-toed bastard children (if you've lost me already this is a metaphor for horrible music videos, granted it's not a good one but I'm in a rush). So without any further adieu, or any further use of the word adieu, here's a list of highly disturbing music videos:
Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time
As far as scary, seemingly-invincible, never ageing, robot sounding, 62 year-old pop stars go; Cher is one of the more successful. The video for 'Turn Back Time' however, breaks all conventions when it comes to grossing people out. In its four minutes it manages to inflict a heady mix of fear and sex on the viewer, not in a way that the element of fear increases the sexual thrill, but in a way that will make you terrified of sex, not to mention partial nudity, battle ships, sailors and music. In other words; watching this video will basically put you off everything. The premise seems to be that Cher is a cheap hooker hired by the government and sent to a navy frigate in order to make sailors less gay. She's wearing an outfit which is about 3 inches of leather short of putting her gynaecologist out of a job, the set is almost entirely focused on the phalic symbols of erect cannons (one of which she rides) and if you look closely at m1.34s it appears that one sailor is celebrating in front of his jubulous mates after presumably getting some Cher-tang. Which in all honesty, is probably about as hard as getting a tramp to dance for whisky. At the end of the video as the music fades out, Cher lies on the stage and appears to pass out. She's obviously exhausted from all the semen...sorry, seamen. If I could turn back time.....I wouldn't feel so ashamed for getting half a stalk on.
Lionel Ritchie - Hello
As a world famous pop-star you want you music videos to make you look cool and as we know, there's nothing cooler than being a teacher who has sexual fantasies about his students, especially the blind ones. At least that's what someone told one-time pop sensation and father of that furby/twig hybrid from 'The Simple Life', Lionel Ritchie. The video starts with Ritchie showing off his acting skills as he teaches a dramatics class, probably in a high school, but for legal reasons we'll say in a College. We soon learn that Lionel is infatuated by one of his students (why they decided she should be blind I don't know, possibly to make it more plausible that someone may want to fuck Lionel). He then, for about three minutes straight, relentlessly follows her around the campus, quite litterally everywhere she goes, to an extent that you wonder exactly what the school is paying him for, when all he seems to be doing is harassing disabled students. This somewhat shady behaviour culminates in Mr Ritchie (As his lawyers will be referring to him) ringing her in the middle of the night to breath heavily down the phone.....and then sing. We presume the only reason he doesn't ever get closer than about five feet from her is because there is a legal document somewhere stating that he can't. The reason this video is so disturbing isn't just that Lionel portrays an authority figure perving on a blind chick, but more shockingly, none of what happens in the video has ANYTHING to do with the song. Which really does make you wonder what goes on inside his head. The video ends with Lionel buying the object of his affections a seeing-eye dog. He then precedes to spread peanut butter on his balls and things get a little out of hand.
Samwell - What What in the Butt
If you thought Lionel's sex-pest-fest was bad enough, this little ditty takes the term 'depraved' to a new level. From the opening symbolism of a chocolate star fish (you know, like your anus) this rollercoaster ride of sleaze and beats leaves you drained, and not in the way that makes you want to smoke afterwards. Also there is a chance this may be the worst song ever.....seriously, ever. There are no words that can do this video justice, the feeling after watching it is a bit like waking up at a party, realising someone's done you the service of taking off your clothes and noticing that you're sore in some rather strange places. Impacting people's gag-reflexes worldwide, ladies and gentleman, it is my pleasure to introduce...Samwell. Either a comic genius or just a massive Wanker, I know where my money lies!
their own which are relayed back to them....or something like that, I don't really know, I got bored reading about it. In theory this is as sound as a pound, the only real problems started to occur when the communications began. 
uld rather stand out in the cold than be the dick who paid for one of these. It's an embarrassment. Even if it looked cool, it wouldn't be, because of the simple fact that all smoking fashion accessories fail to catch on. Look at the 'Iron Lung'; once tipped to be the next big thing, like the Pokemon or Kabala, it turned out to be little more than a cumbersome tank that assists breathing. It lacks style and integrity, as does the hat. It's also impractical, am I really supposed to take the time to put this on after a heated spell of sexual sparring for the all important post-coital ciggy? If this is the case then i suggest they re-name it the 'Romance Vacum'. There is a positive element to the 'Smoker's Hat' however; it filters all your smoky air and releases it instead as a scented gust of smoke free guff. Basically it is a huge fucking exhaust, but with this is mind you can quite happily smoke, weed, crack, smack or crystal meth without anyone thinking twice about it. They'll just assume you're some bloke with a funny hat and no friends, who continually squirts perfume out of his noggin. Similar inventions we found include the 'Quit Smoking Ashtray", which apparently reminds you that's smoking is bad every time you go to stub out your ciggy. Because obviously, we need a reminder. This is the equivalent of a gun that screams "bullets hurt" every time you fire it, or a condom that slyly whispers "It'll feel better without me....but you could catch V.D" just before sex. We conclude that anyone who buys this ashtray is a sadist, anyone who buys the smokers hat is an idiot and anyone who is still reading this should probably have nipped out for a fag instead.
The people at 'Treather.com' know how to treat a lady. That's right, like a stripper. This is basically one of those gifts that people buy for themselves, whilst all the time pretending its for someone else. How any man has the balls to try and convince his significant other that they've always wanted to try pole-dancing is beyond me, but I assume it comes just before the conversation about how, "Charging strangers for handjobs would really help with the bills". This would lead to an enormous argument, followed by some great 'make up' sex, after which the same guy would leave some money on the dresser and go tell his mates all the gory details. Classy! Still, if you can get away with it.
This gift is insulting on a number of levels. Firstly, it's a toaster. Toasters are not romantic, neither are vacuum cleaners, irons, or washing machines. Remember this, it may one day save your life. Secondly, knowing most men, it will not be you who's getting up early to make the breakfast. This means that every morning, when your girlfriend/wife slams a plate of toast down on the breakfast table, despite the fact that her hatred for you is beyond human comprehension, you will look down at your plate and see the words "I love you". This will enable you to carry on happily with your day, oblivious to the fact your bed mate wants you dead.
You're really shooting yourself in the foot with this one! Although it is a gift she will genuinely enjoy, you will be kicking yourself when you realise that the sex has dried up and your girlfriend is running baths three times a day to spend time with her vibrating duck. On the positive side, it will give you a lot of 'you' time, you know, for watching football and surfing the internet for porn. However the duck has a distinct advantage over you; it is guaranteed to satisfy her in a way you can't and it won't ask for a blow job in return. Also she won't have to make the duck that fucking 'I love you' toast in the morning. Consider yourself ousted! 
What is this exactly? It's the gift that isn't a gift, and is proud of it! Instead of actually buying your partner a present, cooking her dinner or treating her to a romantic night out, why not just give her a token that says you'll do it some other time. Possibly when 'Movies for Men' isn't doing a Segal week. It may sound like a really shit gift but as the website says the I.O.U token is "presented in a little red organza pouch". So its actually a really shit gift in a little red organza pouch...whatever the fuck that is.